dear caty,
ok. i have to tell you something. im going to see a movie with your brother tonight. i dont like him like that. ive been thinking about if i like him or not for the past few days and by you saying that youll end up like him made me realize that i dont wanna be with someone like that. hes totally not my type. so this will be a one time thing. im sorry if it bothers you.
but i understand more now. hmm... i dont know. maybe we can be friends... but not besties. so we get along. we can hang out. but were not always together and always talking. this way i think we'll fight less and we could still have fun when we're together. sound like a good plan?

dear dana,
it's not that i'm trying to see if i can "squeeze you into my life." it's completely different than that. one way or another, by next september i'm getting the hell out of here. and i don't know if i should keep the relationships i have going.
and i never said you don't understand at all. i just said you don't understand what i'm going through, personally. i have to have a plan. a specific goal to work towards or else i'll end up like my brother, deciding what i want to do on a whim. and dillon ended up being a huge part of that plan. and it's killing me because i've had alot of teenage relationships, and dillon was different for me. so now, it's not worth it for me to date. and overall, this shit just doesn't matter. i just want to get the hell out of rochester as soon as possible. which brings me back to deciding whether or not i want to continue our friendship. because when we're friends, we have fun together. but we fight constantly and that really isn't good for either of us.

dear caty,
caty, you keep saying you think i dont understand. i do! i mean i dont have to go through what your going through to understand it fully. ive been hurt before multiple times. i know what it feels like to have your heart crushed. but caty seriously you thought a teenage relationship would last forever? im sorry but they hardly ever do. thats why i dont expect my boyfriends to last forever. but to tell you the truth i thought chandler could be the one for me. im more comfortable around him then any other guy. he knows the most about me. and we understand eachother. but his flaws just tears it all apart. and i know i have flaws too but i just cant be with him if hes constantly annoying me. itd be like my mom and alan. and i dont want to be in a relationship like that. i plan out my future generally. ill add the details in later when i get there. this is my life planned out. graduate high school, go to college, get an apartment, get a pet cat, graduate college, get a career, get married, have at least one child, and have a good life. i dont know if my husbands gonna be black or white or skinny or fat. i dont know if my childs gonna be adopted or not. i dont know what my career is gonna be. i dont know where im gonna live. those things will fall into place as my life goes on. you shouldnt plan your whole life right now when your 15 years old. because then if something goes wrong then you might have to start all over. ok we're two completely different people. i knew that already. i get that. i dont even know what else to say. your doing whatever it is your doing with your life now and we may not be friends. well i dont want to be friends with someone whos thinking in they're head "well im doing this with my life... can i squeeze this person in to be a friend? would they fit with this?" if your doing that then i dont want to be your friend. dont get me wrong, i liked being your friend and all, but i dont know how its gonna work.

dear dana,
i don't know if we're not friends. or if we are. i'm just trying to figure shit out. i mean, i had my entire life planned out. and dillon was 95% of that. so i have 5% of my future left, and that isn't good enough for me. and i can't have people in my way of that.
like i said, you and me are different kinds of people. so you know what i'm going through, yes. but i don't think you really understand what i'm going through, or the toll it's taking on me.
nothing ever should have been about chandler, but i don't like seeing people like that. and i know you care about chandler. so do i. he gets over most stuff quickly. but how often do we see him so upset he's cursing and crying? not often, so obviously it took a toll on him.
so i don't know if we're friends right now. i'll figure it out soon enough. but it might be no, because i'm putting a plan into action soon and i don't want to get people wrapped up into it.

dear caty,
i get it. you think i dont know this stuff but i do. i know it hurts. i know i hurt him. i know you hurt dillon. i think the me and chandler situation is slightly different then the you and dillon one though. hes going to date that other chick. i just dont like chandler. theres a big difference. i know i didnt tell you guys about devin but i didnt think it mattered. i only told like 3 people and that was zoe, chandler, and like mel. ok im sorry i didnt tell you.
also i dont wear american eagle to try and fit in with lauren. she got me into it. i like the clothes there. they make me feel prettier and have a higher confidence cuz they look good on me. dont forget i also shop at JC pennys a lot for clothes. and im a little confused now. you have deleted me from facebook and are telling me this stuff... meaning... we arent friends? or what?

dear dana,
i'm sorry for overreacting about what you did to chandler. i'll explain. dillon dumped me. he told jessica that we had no future together, and then tried to play it off and was like "are we okay as friends?" when (as my facebook stalkers tell me) he's going to date that slutty kristen ayers chick. and how are these connected? because he knew. he knew how much it would kill me. just like you knew how much it would kill chandler. he should have known better, but then again i should have known better too. love makes you do stupid shit and you can't control it and chandler can't control the fact that he gets sucked in everytime you say you want him back only for you to say "oh, i just got caught up in the moment." i don't know if chandler feels the same way about you that i feel about dillon, but if he does, then it would have killed him.
i don't think you understand it. i don't think you understand the heartbreaking feeling because i don't think you've ever cared enough about somebody to feel it. and if you have, well, you're really very good at hiding it. but if you haven't: i'll clue you in on something. right now, i wish i were stupid enough to contemplate suicide to make this feeling stop. does that tell you something?
i'm not sorry for getting mad that you haven't talked to me or jess in three weeks. okay, we haven't made motions to talk to you either, but what got me is that you didn't tell us when you broke up with devin. we used to tell eachother everything, so what happened? is it "out of sight out of mind."? you can only talk to people who you can see 24/7? i don't know what it is. but i'm starting to realize something. you and me are two completely different types of people. i am a non-conformist. i'm not going to worry about if people will talk when i kiss my boyfriend in the hallway. i don't need clothes from american eagle so i can fit in with my stepsister who ignores me half of the time. and i'm judging, yes. but i'm just saying, that's you. not me. and i will never be like that. and i can't always get along with someone who is like that.
i'm sorry. i'm rambling. but whatever. i just thought i'd tell you what's on my mind. okay?

dear caty,
i dont wanna know how on earth you know anything from the bible and where it is! but your creative week sounds fun. i wish i could help except ill be in school and i cant come over after because my mommy will be working so i have no ride. but we can talk all week still. and i guess you're leaving this weekend? so i wont be able to see you at all. :[ and next weekend ill be gone! so its like we wont be able to see eachother at all for like 3 more weeks! or something idk. this is depressing! i promise the minute i get a chance to have a sleep over i will! uhmm... i dont really have anything exciting to say so im done now haha.
byeeeee ihyyyysm!!! <3<3<3<3<3

dear dana,
this morning, i wake up and check my phone for the time. when i see there's a new message, i open and see this "hahahaahahaahahahaha. it's 2 o'clock in the morning" from elijah. i love my life sometimes.
i am on a creative mission this week. because if i stay on a creative mission, then i don't have to worry about any dillon related missions.
so, here's my to-do list:
-finish sophie's collage, including glowy stars and glitter
-officially finish a khimmy and maybe start a jimmy, just so you have a whole big family
-finish painting my room...finally....after a billion years of it being half done
-have someone take a new header picture for my blog for me(of my feet, in my boots, on pavement) and then change the name to "& the moon under her feet...." (that's part of a bible verse, b-t-dubbs. revelation 12:1)
-anddddd plan the most beasting trip to the witch burning town ever
but ohmygosh! it's been so long since i saw my bestfriend, dana. like....over a WEEK! and it's gonna be like, 2 WEEKS this upcoming weekend. cuz i'll be in salem, and we won't even be able to see eachother. it's so freakin' depressing.

-caty

dear caty,
i am back from camp. actually ive been back from camp since friday night and you know this because you were with me. anywho... the day after was the 4th of july and i saw fireworks with my daddy and eric and lisa. then the next day i went swimming! so much funn! then monday i started summer school. i know a lot of people there. but only talk to like 2. and i dont know anyone in my class. well i knoe this one kid but ive like never talked to him. so ive been going to summer school for 3 days now! after this week ill only have about 4 and a half more weeks! because in 2 weeks from now i will be in cedar point! so ill miss 3 days of school. yesterday after school i went to syracuse and saw my cousin, aunt, and uncle that i havnt seen in 3 years! my cousin loves me. her name is brianna and she looks up to me so much. and we went on you tube and the first thing she searched was jizz in my pants. and i died laughing! but then she searched mr. happy face and dude it made me giggle! hahaha like ferizzle i laughed. my uncle was all "its so stupid!" im like "haha no its funny!" so yeah. i had my first quiz in school today. it was easy and boring. today i have an orthodontist appointment... maybe my lastt *crosses fingers* and after that im getting a cell phone! yayyy. finally! ok so i think im done nowww. byee :]

-danaaaa(: