Danerbean+Katertot: BFFs

dear danerz,
i'm sorry about you and aaron :( but i'll say what everyone says (and what i 100% believe, because it's true): you're eighteen. it isn't time to settle down yet and if playing the field is what you need to do, do it. you'll regret staying with the same guy all through college more than you'll regret making a few mistakes. that's the good thing about being young, you know? you get to fuck up relationships with boys that loved you and quit crappy jobs and do things that self-respecting adults can't.
for you, i'm guessing the break up with aaron is hard. and i know the virginity-thing is probably a big part of it. but the thing about sex is that everyone tells you it's special and it's a huge, important deal. but really, most of the time, it's nothing. with the Right Person, yes, of course, it's romantic and it's intimate and it's important. i think if you can walk away from aaron, he isn't the Right Person. when i finally broke up with steve, i talked to sophie and i was like, "i lost my virginity to him and i literally feel nothing." and i felt like i was a bad person, but i've figured a little bit out since then. dillon told me one time that he should have lost it to me, and if it had been him and not steve, it would have been different. i would have fought for dillon. and if you're not going to fight for aaron, play the field until you find the person you will fight for (sidenote: and some advice. you will not meet the Right Person at a club or a house party or anything else like that. those guys suck.)
i'm rambling a little. okay, so let's talk about me:
i'm in a really strange place in my life. i don't have my life together, my anxiety has gotten so much worse over the past year, and everyone is done with highschool but i have to suffer through another year. and i've let go of a lot of friendships lately. like, i haven't even lost friends. i just start to not like people as much and i drift. i'm trying not to do that with you and jess, but it's difficult for me. i love you both so much, but...we are really different people sometimes. over the course of our friendship (five, six years?) we've had a lot of times where we've grown apart. and i hate it, but we always grow back together. even if i don't act like it sometimes (or if you don't act like it sometimes) you're my best friend, no matter what. everyone else i know...not so much.
okay, happy topic: nate. i'm really happy but i'm also skeptical. i don't trust my feelings anymore because they change and i realize that people i thought i loved, i don't anymore. i can't just dive into a relationship headfirst because i might hurt someone that i don't mean to. that being said, i AM happy. being with nate makes me feel like i wasted time on other guys. i'll flirt with him, and feel like every other guy i've ever flirted with didn't deserve it because DUH he's right here and how did i not see this sooner? and it sort of makes me want to go back in time and undo everything so i can experience every first with him. and his parents like me, but not in the usual parent way. i actually like them back. his mom gives me nail polish and she bought me a bracelet and she's always worried about me getting a sunburn. and i think she's just so funny. she called his sister a bitch when we were playing trouble once, and she's really good at embarrassing nate (she gave me a talk about how she's already had The Talk with nate, and they've raised him to be a gentleman. and they live in the real world so the only real rule right now is "no upstairs."(and i'm laughing while i type this because i told him later and he was soooooo embarrassed but so proud of his mom for being so mean) and her and his bubbe showed me the naked baby pictures of him haha.) and his dad is just really smart and has all this knowledge about religions and comic books and dystopian novels. he keeps cooking things that involve bacon because he knows i like it. and i watched this movie with him and nate, called "attack the block" and it's about these ghetto british kids who fight aliens and omg it was so cool.
but i mean, i just feel really comfortable with the entire family. i've never felt that with someone else's entire family before. and he likes books. like, almost as much as i like books. i got him to read a couple of books by john green. and it's so nice to have a boyfriend who i can talk about books with who really gets them. he's just become this combination of a really great friend, and a potential business partner, and i also happen to think that 85% of what he does is sexy. i feel like i'm lucky, but damn, i put a lot of work into getting him haha. so atleast i'm happy in one part of my life.
my family is....the same as always. i love them but they annoy me.
i miss you and if you need me, let me know when you're free and we need to see eachother <3 best="best" friend.="friend." i="i" miss="miss" my="my" p="p">love,
caty