dear caty,
im glad you havent had any anxiety but dont put too much on your plate. i could handle it while i was in high school. because high school was easy. and aaron and i were perfect. we had fights but we were all good.and my job was easy and i enjoyed it for the most part. but then i got drama with the boys, i started college, and dunkin was tuning into taco bell. and as much as i loved taco bell, it was nothing compared to how i loved dunkin for a while. and it ended up being too much for me to handle. i hope it all works out for you though. nate sounds nice. this might sound cliche and bitchy but try to keep him interested though. like i always did so much that when i was with aaron all we did was hang out and like watch tv and he never said anything to me but later on i found out he said things to other people. like what he said to desire. remember? i think youll be fine but you never know. just something to keep in mind. you dont have to learn from my experiences though because i know i dont learn from anyone elses but my own.
this whole time i wanted to go back to the old me. the old, happy me. the girl that was always cheerful and hyper and happy and always had a smile on her face. but life doesnt go backwards. it only moves forward. so ive got to move forward too. i keep saying im going to work on me but im just not motivated to do so. i need to cut out part of the world for now including internet and stuff. soo i wanna let you know now i might not be in contact very much for a little while. i kind of want to shut off my phone and my facebook and stuff just for a little while to really focus on myself. idk how well itll work or how long but i can try. blaaaah idk. i feel like i sound so depressing lol. im sorry. well ill let you get back to your life now.
ihy
dana

dear dumb whore,
of course i forgive you. i wasn't exactly mad at you. i just had an opinion, and was thinking back to when we were younger and i'd actually tell someone my opinion and everyone thought i was a bitch. i spend so much time now biting my tongue to avoid that bitch label, and as much as i'm over the drama that being a bitch usually causes, i still think people need to be put in their place sometimes. i knew you'd come to me when you were ready, but i had to put you in your place for being a crap friend.
anyway, your long letter was lovely and nicely written. i'm glad school's going well for you. the whole dunkin donuts thing is crazy. who didn't quit or get fired? i'm proud of you for walking out. it's not mature, but quitting a job like that is something everyone should probably do once.
i'm also glad you're just going to be single for awhile. you got so confused and conflicted being torn between two guys. it's better for you to just take some you-time and enjoy college and enjoy having free time until you get a new job. that's all really good, and i'm sure you know that you have to enjoy it while it lasts.
as for me...for once, i've been in school almost a month and i haven't gotten any bad anxiety yet. i think it's mostly because i don't have enough free time to be anxious or depressed. i'm getting pretty burnt out but i make $140 this week and $165 next week. i don't know how you held a job and school and a boyfriend for so long. nate's been suffering because i'm so tired and burnt out. even when we're together, i take naps in his lap most of the time. but he did buy me icecream and chocolate last week so i think he's trying to make me feel better. he's a nice kid i guess. not much else has been going on. just me being tired haha.
love,
caty

dear caty,
im sorry  that ive been off. ive been going through what is a lot for me to handle. i was going to tell you about my life but then it became too much for even me so i decided to wait until things were more calm to tell you. plus my mind kept changing about a lot so i didnt want to tell you something when its changing every other day. i know i should have told you at least this much earlier but i couldnt even think straight. so im sorry. if you could  forgive me id like to tell you about my life now.
school. school is alright. i like most of my classes. theyre pretty boring but theyre not too difficult. and i have a slight interest in them. thats always good. on mwf (mondaywednesdayfriday) i have statistics at 11am. which is really boring and i took a test the other day and i think i totally bombed it. then i have microeconomics at 12pm. thats a little interesting. the teacher knows me as the girl that works at dunkin donuts and every time he does attendance he has to  mention dunkin donuts when he gets to me. (although i quit my job, i dont want to crush his dreams so i let him think i still work there... but the quitting thing ill talk about next). then i have gym at 1pm. i like my gym class. it actually motivates me to work out and stuff. my teacher is really nice and has a really soft voice. thats just something i noticed about her. thats it on mwf. then on th (tuesdaythursday)(yeah h is thursday... mad dumb) i have business at 930am. thats a fun class. my teacher kind of reminds me of my grampa... the one with no toes. the only thing i dont like is that he calls on random people and asks them questions. i mean i guess thats good cause itll make people talk so they cant be shy and stuff but i hate it! then i have a break from 11 to 12. i have lunch with tiffany and this girl i went to wilson with named monika. then i have accounting at 12pm. this class is my favorite. its not too difficult and i honestly dont know why i like it, but i do. one thing about school that im learning is that you have to do homework and read the books you get for class or else. youll be screwed if you dont. if you read the books and actually take in the information then youll be set. tiffany is a help. she makes sure i do my homework sometimes lol. sooo thats it for school i guess.
work. well i became a shift leader and everything was going good. i was getting a lottt of hours and i was very satisfied. then sherley quit. thats when everything started falling apart. sherley was like ourmother and when she quit it was like a bunch of teenagers trying to live by themselves. we all knew what to do and everything but without her telling us what to do we couldnt like think of it, you know? everyone thought they could slack off and do what they wanted and a lot of stuff wasnt getting done. then we got this new manager named cassey. cassey is a bitch. worse than sherley because she was less professional. but it was alright i guess. then one day i called in sick. it was a friday. cassey was all "you need a doctors note blah blah" sooo i went in on saturday to work with no doctors note because 1) the doctors were closed friday night and 2) it wasnt that serious of a sickness. so anyways she asked if i had one and i said no and she told me to go home. so then i went in on monday to work and the same thing happened. she said i cant come back to work until i get a doctors note. sooo i called the owner and talked to him about it. im like how do i get a doctors note from like 4 days ago? thats not possible. so he said i can go back to work and not to worry about it. so on wednesday i went back to work. i wasnt really feeling it though. the whole dunkin donuts thing. everyone was either quitting or getting fired and everything was still a mess and everyone started acting like little kids talking shit about everyone and i was so tired of it. so on friday my coworker emily was like "lets walk out together" so we did. i went on break, i left the store, and i didnt come back. i know that wasnt very professional but whatever. its too late to go back now. we called cassey while we were walking home and told her that we had left. and thats that. so now im unemployed but i have an interview with that vector cutco stuff that jess is doing on friday. idk how well thatll work but whatevs.
boys. keaven. aaron. i know what you probably think. well what you do think, im an idiot. i was going back and forth between aaron and keaven as you know and i couldnt make up my mind. sooo i decided to be with keaven. bam. so that happened. but now im single again. cause im a dumb whore who cant make up her damn mind and ugh. i feel awful. i hurt aaron so much and he forgave me and were working on things. i broke up with keaven yesterday and weve been talking about it a little. i know i hurt him too which makes me suck more. im gonna see him today to give him a few things i have of his back  and so we can talk a little more face to face. i know he likes me and wants to be with me but i was afraid if i kept the relationship going i would end up just hurting him in the future when he had stronger feelings. blah i shouldnt have dated him in the first place. i shouldnt have ever kissed him or anything. but im a dumb whore and all this happened and now im just stuck. aaron said  i can do what i want but if i want him i have to be faithful and committed and drop keaven completely and we still wont be together for a while. which i completely understand. they both want me to be happy and thats the part that sucks. they are honestly two really nice guys and i managed to hurt both of them. so right now im just me. no boyfriend. no commitment to anyone. i guess thats it.
oh and yesterday my mom pissed me off talking about how i never do anything and it just really upset me and so i left the house and just started walking. i walked to taco bell and back home. i was gone for a total of 3 hours. its about an hour walk each way plus i stayed there for a little bit and then side tracked to 711 on my way home. i was gone from 8pm to 11pm. and it made me feel a little better i guess. i was in like depressed mode last night. whatevs. ill always keep a smile on my face no matter how im feeling because im just that type of person.
i hope you forgave me and enjoyed my extremely long letter. uhh... feel free to call me a dumb whore or anything like that. i hope youre having a lovely day.
ihy
dana

dear dana,
i think you're being an idiot and it's bullshit that you're shutting me out. all of a sudden i have to watch what i say around you, and you can barely stand to be around me. and seriously, YOU started up the stupid letter thing again and you can't even respond to me or talk to me at all. if you didn't care, you shouldn't have bothered.
that's just bullshit. and on top of it, now you're dating that idiot or whatever and i find out via facebook? you can't even TALK to me?
whatever phase you're going through, that's great go through it. but atleast when me and jess went through our phases, we let eachother know that we had other shit going on instead of just pretending we weren't even friends.
i know you probably don't even care, but i had to get it out so do with this what you will.

dear dana,
so i thought i'd give you an update. this update comes to you in three parts: school, work, and nate.
part one: school. which sucks, but it's my last year so YAY! of course i have anxiety again. and i have, what my friend xavier called "that booty lunch period," because i have 4th and everyone else who doesn't suck has 6th. but on the brightside, i have some decent classes and nate is in 2 of them. and i have first period free and so do like, 5 other people including lopez and mariah and nate so that won't suck. and i'm signed up for the SAT in october....which will probably be lame. but the first "week" (it was only 3 days) sucked and stressed me out so me and mary went and got my nose pierced and it hurt like a bitch (but you know that cuz i already told you) but it upset nate and i offered to take it out and then he was more upset cuz i shouldn't change anything just because....waiiiiit. whoops. sorry he has his own section down below. To Be Continued....
part two: work. i don't if i told you this yet but i got a job at tops and my first day was saturday. it was just orientation but it lasted foreverrrrr and now i get to wear a snazzy black and red shirt and a nametag and this girl lillie seriously REQUESTED a hat. that ugly ass tops hat...she's a mess. so i'm not very excited to like, work a cash register and be pleasant to customers yuckkk. but i work in brighton incase you wanna come visit ;) but don't buy any perishables cuz tops is ratchet as fuck and everything is moldy (bad advertising 2012 (speaking of which, are you voting this year???)) but i'll have a paycheck which is nice and i'll take you out to dinner after i get that cash flowwww.
part three: nate. so to continue, nate got upset cuz he doesn't want me doing things for his benefit because it's my body and my nose and he thinks i'm beautiful anyway and it's none of his business what i get pierced and i could "tattoo your face and your entire body and you'd still be beautiful" so that ended that but i took it out anyway cuz i wanted him to be happy and i didn't like it that much and it's not like i was sacrificiing anything like if he asked me to murder my dog or something. and i told him i love him which is a given and he said it back obviously and that was nice so that's my update
how are you? what's new?
love,
caty

dear caty,

okay. this letter started off by like i hump you and i hope youre right. then went on to how you took a year off from school so you deserve an extra one! but im glad youll have nate. uhh... then i went on about work. oh yeah how i was glad i got to see you and hug you. so then i started talking about work and how im gonna be a shift leader and ill get paid 8 dollars an hour compared to the 7.60 i made when i started and 7.75 which i get now. sooo yeah. then i was saying how sherley, my boss, is always super bitch but has been being nice to me lately and i think its cause i have ambition like you said. i made her laugh... she smiled and told me all about our new items... she said please when she never says that to anyone... and she texted me saying "thanks a bunch for being efficient." when i let her know i left my school schedule on her desk. yada yada yada... yeah that pretty much sums it up... not half as great though. my other letter sounded way more happy, excited, cheerful about everything and this one is like "fuck im saying everything again so im gonna be dull." i hope you enjoyed it... the end.
ihy
dana

dana,
i don't think you'll have trouble fitting work and school both into your schedule. you're ambitious like that: you were the first of us to get a job, and the first to get her license. i think you'll do fine. you should be excited for college. it's a new experience. i'm jealous that you've already graduated and get to go to college!!! i have to suffer through another year of stupid goddamn high school. atleast i'll have nate- that's the only good thing about this year.
i'm glad you and aaron have come to some agreement. hopefully it works for you. i'm just rooting for you to be happy, you know that.
love,
caty

dear caty,
im dealing. i havent been as bad as that night i wrote you that post. aaron and i are closer. im not sure whats gonna happen but right now we're on good terms. kind of like friends with benefits but with love involved. ive been working a lot as i told you and im going to be a shift leader (: im really excited because i just feel like ive been wanting this and i get a raise! the only thing about that is fitting it in with school. im nervous about college and homework and studying and stuff. with all that plus working 30 hours a week... idk man. ill try. i feel like there was something else to tell you but idk lol. okay well i hope your life is going well (:

ihy <3 p="p">dana

dana,
breakups are hard, yeah. probably even harder when it's your own fault and you know it.
i wish i could help but i know there's nothing i can do. you're going to suffer for awhile, there's nothing i can do about that. and maybe you can fix things with aaron, but if you can't...you'll have to accept it. he has no obligation to take you back.
and even though you're heartbroken, it will pass. it always passes. you'll start college soon and you'll meet a ton of new people and a ton of new guys. you'll probably make a few more mistakes and regret things, but it happens.
for now, you can try to fix things with aaron, but if it doesn't happen, just be glad that you had a good relationship while it lasted and you loved eachother. and it's experience for the future.
i hump you <3 p="p">caty

dear caty,
im hurting. ive never felt this way before and i hate it. i cant stop crying. caty if i could go back and change everything i would. i dont know what to do. im afraid whats done cant be fixed and thats not what i want at all. and the worst part is that i caused all this. its not like hes an asshole who broke my heart. i broke his and mine in the process. i started writing down everything in a letter to him. idk if ill actually give it to him but writing it down makes me feel better. or at least it stops the tears for a while. i just feel like ive made the worst mistake of my life. i love him. i went to seabreeze today and couldnt stop thinking of him and how i wished he was there with me like last time. this is so hard, caty. working is the only thing to keep him off my mind. ive been working a lot lately. i worked 11 hours the other day. but it helps because i wont cry at work. home is a different story. im sorry for dumping all this on you. im not even gonna tell you i wrote this. youll see it eventually. hopefully things will be better by then...
-dana

dear caty,
when i saw that you wrote one back i jumped out of bed so fast to get my laptop and read it. i wasnt sure if it was going to be good or not thats why i was so anxious.
im glad youre happy(: for the most part. nate and his family sound really cool. they sound like the type of good people we would want to have in our lives. so maybe i can meet him someday unless youre afraid ill embarrass you and pull out a few naked baby pictures (; hahah but yeah. as for the anxiety thing, i hope it gets better. i want us to be closer like how we used to be so maybe i can help a little. and as for your senior year of high school, it shouldnt be too bad. just think of it this way, youre on top, the big kid on the playground, and no matter what anyone says or does youll be leaving that place in june and none of it will matter. plus im pretty sure you were always one of those smart kids that wanted to stay to themselves in school most of the time. but its not like youre going to be alone like i will be going into mcc! im freaking terrified! im gonna know a ton of people that attend it but who says ill ever see them or have classes with them or anything!
now onto the best, me! lol jaykay. but seriously. so anyways yeah i feel like i was soo good and happy when i was with aaron this past year. i spent my entire senior year glued to him! like people always said you dont see one without the other. and one of the administrators even asked me, as i was walking across the stage, where my sidekick was haha. but i feel like im not that person anymore. like i am a little but not completely. i was so innocent and im just not anymore. i got my nose pierced and aaron was like "you dont look innocent anymore" but im not so i feel like its good. sooo anywhooo... i feel like im getting close with a few of my coworkers. i really like them. they are honestly way cooler than my ones at taco bell. but hahah so keaven and this kid sean are besties and they both work at dunkin. and emily, seans girlfriend, also works at dunkin.its like a big happy family. so anywho sean lives near me so i went to hang out with keaven last night and we ended up making out in seans basement with sean like right there hahahah cause thats his bedroom. i thought itd be weird but it wasnt that bad lol. sean fell asleep. but yeah idk what else to say. i have to go to work in like an hour so im gonna shower now.
ihy!<3 p="p">-dana

dear danerz,
i'm sorry about you and aaron :( but i'll say what everyone says (and what i 100% believe, because it's true): you're eighteen. it isn't time to settle down yet and if playing the field is what you need to do, do it. you'll regret staying with the same guy all through college more than you'll regret making a few mistakes. that's the good thing about being young, you know? you get to fuck up relationships with boys that loved you and quit crappy jobs and do things that self-respecting adults can't.
for you, i'm guessing the break up with aaron is hard. and i know the virginity-thing is probably a big part of it. but the thing about sex is that everyone tells you it's special and it's a huge, important deal. but really, most of the time, it's nothing. with the Right Person, yes, of course, it's romantic and it's intimate and it's important. i think if you can walk away from aaron, he isn't the Right Person. when i finally broke up with steve, i talked to sophie and i was like, "i lost my virginity to him and i literally feel nothing." and i felt like i was a bad person, but i've figured a little bit out since then. dillon told me one time that he should have lost it to me, and if it had been him and not steve, it would have been different. i would have fought for dillon. and if you're not going to fight for aaron, play the field until you find the person you will fight for (sidenote: and some advice. you will not meet the Right Person at a club or a house party or anything else like that. those guys suck.)
i'm rambling a little. okay, so let's talk about me:
i'm in a really strange place in my life. i don't have my life together, my anxiety has gotten so much worse over the past year, and everyone is done with highschool but i have to suffer through another year. and i've let go of a lot of friendships lately. like, i haven't even lost friends. i just start to not like people as much and i drift. i'm trying not to do that with you and jess, but it's difficult for me. i love you both so much, but...we are really different people sometimes. over the course of our friendship (five, six years?) we've had a lot of times where we've grown apart. and i hate it, but we always grow back together. even if i don't act like it sometimes (or if you don't act like it sometimes) you're my best friend, no matter what. everyone else i know...not so much.
okay, happy topic: nate. i'm really happy but i'm also skeptical. i don't trust my feelings anymore because they change and i realize that people i thought i loved, i don't anymore. i can't just dive into a relationship headfirst because i might hurt someone that i don't mean to. that being said, i AM happy. being with nate makes me feel like i wasted time on other guys. i'll flirt with him, and feel like every other guy i've ever flirted with didn't deserve it because DUH he's right here and how did i not see this sooner? and it sort of makes me want to go back in time and undo everything so i can experience every first with him. and his parents like me, but not in the usual parent way. i actually like them back. his mom gives me nail polish and she bought me a bracelet and she's always worried about me getting a sunburn. and i think she's just so funny. she called his sister a bitch when we were playing trouble once, and she's really good at embarrassing nate (she gave me a talk about how she's already had The Talk with nate, and they've raised him to be a gentleman. and they live in the real world so the only real rule right now is "no upstairs."(and i'm laughing while i type this because i told him later and he was soooooo embarrassed but so proud of his mom for being so mean) and her and his bubbe showed me the naked baby pictures of him haha.) and his dad is just really smart and has all this knowledge about religions and comic books and dystopian novels. he keeps cooking things that involve bacon because he knows i like it. and i watched this movie with him and nate, called "attack the block" and it's about these ghetto british kids who fight aliens and omg it was so cool.
but i mean, i just feel really comfortable with the entire family. i've never felt that with someone else's entire family before. and he likes books. like, almost as much as i like books. i got him to read a couple of books by john green. and it's so nice to have a boyfriend who i can talk about books with who really gets them. he's just become this combination of a really great friend, and a potential business partner, and i also happen to think that 85% of what he does is sexy. i feel like i'm lucky, but damn, i put a lot of work into getting him haha. so atleast i'm happy in one part of my life.
my family is....the same as always. i love them but they annoy me.
i miss you and if you need me, let me know when you're free and we need to see eachother <3 best="best" friend.="friend." i="i" miss="miss" my="my" p="p">love,
caty

dear caty,

its been a long time since we've posted on here. i miss it. i just went through, over the past 3 nights, and have reread every single one of these. we have gone through a lot! haha and i remember it all like it was yesterday. we were 14 when we first started this. thats 4 years ago! and we stopped more than 2 years ago. it doesnt feel like it to me. so i wanted to write you because i miss you, i miss us, and i need my best friend to confide in. you honestly understand me a lot more than anyone else. so heres a little info about my life recently, if you care..

sooo as you know i cheated on aaron with keaven, the boy i work with. soo i actually developed feelings for this kid and i tried so hard not to so i could save things with aaron and i. it didnt work though. i could not get him out of my head and i decided what i wanted was to try things with him. i dont know if thats a good decision or not but i wont know until later in life. but reading all of our letters helped me a little. we've both had some major feelings for guys in our pasts and we like dont even talk to them a lot anymore. one thing that kept me with aaron was that i lost my virginity to him. but you did with steve and you arent with him anymore. sometimes things just take a different road that you werent expecting. i do love aaron but ever since i kissed keaven ive changed. i havent been as lovey and needy towards aaron as i used to be. itsnot something i wanted, it just happened. so i let it. so tonight i told aaron that i cant just give up keaven and he dumped me, again. and im okay with that. i feel bad for stringing him on for like the past month but now i think ive got this figured out. for now at least. 

im sorry for rambling on about my issues when you probably have many of your own to worry about. i wish  we could start this up again so even if we are distant we'll stay in touch. soo anyways... tell me about your life and gma and the dogs and nate? lol and school and how your summers going and everything. i want a hugeeee update! alrighty ihy! <3 div="div">

-dana